Say That Again
Newcastle Herald
Saturday December 15, 2007
And now for the news you didn't read this year, brought to you by the column that scans the globe for weird stuff.
We'll do it in chronological order, starting with March.Now some of you might have been slightly perturbed to read last month that Newcastle City Council was bowing out of the health inspection business. So imagine the unease of Americans when they heard the US Department of Agriculture had "forgotten" to carry out mandatory daily inspections of some meat processing plants. For 30 years.The department had barely recovered from a technical oversight several years ago that put mad cow diseased-meat on plates in six states. The oversight involved meat being stamped "Inspected" for mad cow disease and sold to consumers before test results of the inspections were known. And it's America, so loads of people are now taking legal action.Because we are doing this year in review chronologically, we'll jump from March back to January, when the world realised it still had a way to go on the peace front after two groups of student engineers in Pakistan held a small war in front of their college over a couple of posters.The two groups started yelling at each other, then fist fighting, then throwing stones, then firing shots, after a blue about which group was going to put up "No fighting" posters first.But that's wild-living, free-thinking, radical engineers in Pakistan for you.In February this year Finland was crowned international underwater ice hockey champion in a thrilling final that nobody saw because 1 only eight countries in the world even play underwater ice hockey so multi-million dollar sponsors and television companies are hardly beating a frozen path to the sport's door and 2 it's underwater ice hockey held under a frozen sea in Austria so what's there to see except ice and an occasional corpse?Ponder the thought of eight nations battling it out in the freezing water under a thick layer of ice.They didn't have oxygen. An underwater photo shows two men in wetsuits upside down carrying hockey sticks with a puck-like thing stuck to the ice above them. Every so often players searched for special airholes drilled in the ice to breathe. It looked as miserable as it sounds.And in case you're from Finland, which is the only reason you'd find this even remotely interesting, the Finns beat Austria by a margin of 7 goals to 4.Next year participants are going to sit on the ice in their underwear and beat one another round the head with their sticks while breathing through straws in their noses. Now that's something I'd watch.In April a new self-pay private jail opened in California for criminals who expect a little luxury during their stretch in the big house.For just $127 a day the newly consigned can secure a room in a sort of jailhouse gated community, with mobile phone and visitor privileges, meals that are actually fit for human consumption, and no likelihood of coming into contact with real life criminals."The benefits are that you don't have to expose yourself to the traditional county jail system," said a spokeswoman for the jail operator.Any time now they'll sign Paris Hilton to a three-year endorsement contract.Speaking of criminals, almost my favourite weird story this year involved a dumb criminal called Brady Wright, 22. Brady had a dream, that one day he'd make it big and be a success in America. All he needed was cash.And with typical American knowhow he devised a plan.He'd steal a backhoe, drive it to the nearest ATM wearing a bandanna, hat and sunnies so no one would notice, smash the ATM with the backhoe, drive away and start a new life.The police caught him, of course. He hadn't factored in the town traffic at 6.45am on a Friday, or the backhoe's top speed 10kmh.But he went out smiling for the TV cameras during his 15 minutes of fame. Off to jail for a spell in 2007, just like Paris.
© 2007 Newcastle Herald
